A Picture Doesn't Tell Everything

 

Look at that guy.

He's smiling broadly in the middle of a field. Looks like a happy dude.

He's actually a wreck. He's lost.

As the picture says it was taken 16 years ago, placing it in March 2008.

It was Easter, to be exact.

I was dealing with the reality that I was going to be a divorced father and I was scared.

I've not told all of the stories -- the what and why and so on. To be honest, I don't know that they matter anymore. Plus I've always been protective of Sean as well as respective of my ex-wife's family.

The simple reality was that we weren't compatible. There was no point in staying together, even if it was just for Sean.

But that's part of what scared me. I loved being a father. I still do. I was terrified of losing him and what the divorce, along with the accompanying selfishness, etc, would do to him.

That continues to this day, by the way, but that's Sean's story to tell. 

Obviously, I've never lost him. If anything, we became closer.

But that weekend, we traveled to Bucks County, PA because my niece asked me if we wanted to go. Easter has never been a big holiday for me but I thought spending it like this would be good for us.

Still trying to have a hint of being a family, I asked Sean's mother if she was interested and she declined.

So I was dad for sure. I knew how to take care of my child but I felt like I was in the bullseye now.

We drove to Stephanie's house, leaving my car there to travel to Pennsylvania, where her sister Laura lived at the time.

Sean and I were both uptight to the point that he had stomach issues as we got ready to leave. Respectfully, I called his mother to get her input and her take was basically that he was fine.

After that, I needed to take the reins, no matter how much respect I tried to show, including having him reach out to his mother that evening to say goodnight.

A happy Sean in his car seat. My goal was to keep him happy.

The trip -- a Saturday overnight to Sunday -- was smooth and enjoyable. We went to a zoo in Norristown, had dinner, let the kids search for eggs on Sunday morning, and just hung out.

We also went to a nearby park on Sunday, where the kids (and the dads) climbed on the slides and swings.

As the kids were playing, I paused for a moment and collected myself. It was a cold but sunny morning.

That's when I took the picture.

It wouldn't be unfair to call the picture "What the F***?" because I suppose that's what I was feeling.

I can't stress enough that I was, ultimately, fine with the divorce. Oh, believe me, very fine. Especially with things I learned later on. But the road would be long and rather hellacious at times. 

The picture was a testament to my ability to smile through anything and survive. It was an attempt to document where I was and remind myself that I would be OK.

That's always what I needed to know.

I truly enjoyed that weekend. I was able to breathe. I also fell for Bucks County.

Sixteen years later, despite whatever the world has thrown at me, here I am.

Let the haters hate.

Have at it.

I'm still standing.

And smiling.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.