EXCLUSIVE: Rascal says "I can't live up to standards!"

 

Rascal's struggle is real (Tom Garfield photo)

In an exclusive interview with CNN (Cat News Network), erstwhile cat Rascal/Binks/Squeaky told Don Lemon that he'll never be able to achieve the heights of his predecessors.

"I can't live up to their standards," Rascal said while nibbling on a handful of Friskies treats. "All I hear about is Chico. Chico did this. Chico did that. Chico! Chico! Chico!

"How am I supposed to do that?"

Rascal explained he has taken to drinking heavily along with copious amounts of catnip.

Chico, the large gray cat, died back in July at the age of 15. In a 2017 interview, Chico also talked about expectations.

"I'm fine." he told TMZ (Tuna Meow...Z), "I'm just going to hang out here. I won't be here forever anyway. Besides, I get fed whatever I want. I hear a lot about a cat named Fred, I guess, but whatever.

"Would you excuse me? I'd like to sleep."

Fred was the previous cat, who disappeared without a trace in 2011. The black tuxedo was known for wandering off, and did so for stretches at a time.

All live in the shadow of Bandit, who perfected a saintly life before dying in 1996. His beatification is pending, even if he had no religious affiliation whatsoever.

Getting back to Rascal, a therapist that CNN spoke to said his behavior may be the result of these high expectations.

"It makes sense," Dr. Felix Bigglesworth said. "Rascal is looking for attention, so the best way to achieve that is by acting out. He feels the pressure of these lofty standards, so a ripped screen here and there is a good reminder that he needs to be taken seriously.

"He'll bang on the closet door at 4:30 in the morning, if necessary. He'll get what he wants."

Dr. Bigglesworth suggested that lower ideals will allow Rascal to settle in.

"The best way to get him to stop chasing his tail around -- literally -- is to just let Rascal be Rascal," he added.

"I'm just a young cat," Rascal said. "This is hell. It's impacting my chances for my music career, as well as my reality show, 'Real Window Hanging Housecats of the Hudson Valley.’”

Told that the screen that he destroyed on Thursday night might be fixed as soon as tomorrow, Rascal seemed unfazed.

"There are plenty of other windows," he said as he eyes shined like a snake ready to attack its prey.

Rascal will be making the interview rounds, with upcoming appearances on Ellen and a decidedly more outrageous turn when he sits down with Howard Stern.

No telling what he'll say in that interview.

At least not here.

This is a family publication.

This is satire, of course. Also, a full count in baseball has been three balls and two strikes since 1889 and I'm willing to bet I don't need to teach anyone that. Don't ask.