Sean's 21st birthday is Thursday. It's his day. It's his time.
Now, before you say, "ohhhh. He'll be partying," the answer is a firm 'no.' Before you say he's doing it behind my back, I trust him when he says otherwise. He has no reason to lie to me.
Like I was at that age, it wasn't a big deal. Twenty-one was like twenty basically. Except for how things had changed in my life from 1988 to 1989 but that's not really the point here.
He has no interest in drinking on Thursday. That's it. Full stop.
However, it's a small cause for celebration for me as well. Of course, it's a celebration because my son -- my only child -- is reaching this milestone. But it's also the end of, basically, an odyssey that began around 2007.
That's when, effectively, my marriage ended. The next few years were horribly awkward times of living under the same roof and stories that I've mostly tucked away.
By the fall of 2010, I had been called to a soulless, horrible courthouse in Poughkeepsie, NY. I so much as look down that block now and have nightmares.
After hours of waiting, with no lawyer (I couldn't afford one) but my sister at my side for support, I was whisked into a courtroom where child support was ordered to start after the opposing lawyer said that "she knew the case" and that Sean didn't live with me half the time.
The fact that my own notes said otherwise was irrelevant.
And so began nearly 13 years.
Friends told me I should be excited when Sean turned 18. Oh no, friends. Not in New York. The great Empire State keeps the child support train on the tracks until the child turns 21.
Certain employers didn't help things -- though I also blame myself. I began working for the ice cream company and simply blew it because I didn't tell them to take money out of my paycheck. I thought they were and then I found my debit card blocked.
The process is not automated at all. You have to be in charge of it.
In this case, New York had the bank shut my account. It took some help to fix that.
Aware of that, I informed another employer (one here in Greenwich who still owes me money) that the biggest thing I cared about was paying child support. Please take it right out of my check from the day I start.
Nope. Didn't happen. We didn't get off on the right foot.
Each time either brought on the garnishment of my bank account or New York simply blocked it. And, of course, I got hauled back to Poughkeepsie.
The garnishments took one bank account to a negative balance. It took time and effort to fix that also (and it was thanks to non-payment by that Greenwich employer who still owes me money).
There were so many items in the mail that brought me more anxiety. So many profane moments when the reality hit of another trip to the courthouse.
It reached a point where I almost expected the judge and me to be on a first-name basis.
"Good morning, your honor. How are Tom and the kids?"
In fact, I wrote about visiting Family Court back in 2019 here. It's, dare I say, a worthwhile read.
If we can ever find a bright light in the COVID world, it was that court became virtual. So any recent visits have been via phone or computer.
A word of advice to all: New York doesn't allow for electronic payments via a debit or credit card unless you want to pay extra for that. So, you snip coupons and write out a check.
In early February I wrote what I think is the last check as I overpaid.
I told Sean I'd made my last payment on him and that I'd soon have the title.
We both laughed.
Each trip to Poughkeepsie was demeaning. Each one came with the threat of losing my license or passport or going to jail. I got used to it. While I was told to not worry about it as much by those who knew better, it was still a threat that I took seriously.
It got paid. All of it.
And more than once Sean would show me something that he got, smile, and say, "Thank you."
Though I rarely talked about it. He still knew it and it bothered him.
I'm told that, come Thursday, it ends with no fanfare. No letter saying, "Thanks."
Nothing.
I'm still skeptical but, with these words, I'm letting on that I whole it's finished.
My "crime" was simply being a father. Beyond that, I've never known what I did wrong all those years ago.
Oh, I carry blame for sure over the failure of my marriage. I always will because that's who I am.
I've sort of pieced the rest of it together since then.
It's important to remember this is Sean's birthday and it will be celebrated as he likes. It will be low-key though he is getting a trip to Florida in a few weeks.
He's also now a college graduate, having finished up his associate's degree from Dutchess Community College and I'm profoundly proud of him for that.
So forgive me for taking these few moments to exhale at what (I think) is the end of another path in a long road.
But, thankfully, it's over.
I think.
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