The Goals

A Nancy selfie, March 13, 2020

I've told you how my mom had three goals:

- Sean's graduation
- Sean's graduation party
- Eric and Meaghan's wedding

She also, under no circumstances, wanted a COVID funeral.

And, while we'll wear masks and social distancing and so on, she'll be able to have a celebration of her life.

Her family -- those who can attend -- will be together.

But, back to those other goals. We got her to an early dialysis appointment for Sean's graduation. Then we flew up to Fishkill for Sean's graduation ceremony. In some ways, the gods were kind to us as she never had to leave the car and could sit in the air conditioning while watching grandchild number 10 walk by in his cap and gown.

Then, when it was time for his name to be told, she was right there, watching it as we drove.

She got to have her picture taken and express her pride in him.

Then she went home and relaxed.

A few weeks later, we had a small gathering at the house. Again, as with everything, social distancing mattered and everyone behaved themselves.

And mom -- really more than Sean -- was the star of the show. Nor that Sean minded in any way. She held court all afternoon being tended to by those in attendance.

Yet there was a poignant moment when she telling stories to my nephew Jake and his girlfriend, Malia.

She got to talking about her brothers, all three of whom have died.

I was standing nearby, talking to others when I heard the sniffles and glanced at my sister.

Then we both aimed our eyes at her.

"I'm fine," she said.

It was strange and sad. A sign? I'm not sure. But there was something interesting in that moment.

Still, you could tell the party meant a lot to her.

The big goal was the wedding. She had bought clothes and packed weeks in advance (a Nancy specialty). You'd mention traveling and the answer would almost always be, "I'm already packed."

I think she really relished it. She was relaxed and happy, enjoying champagne at the reception and having so many pictures taken with her grandkids and her two "partners in crime."  That would be Sean and me.

Those pictures will be very bittersweet when the professional ones finally come out.

But, again, she enjoyed every last moment of it. She loved seeing my sister happy and my niece getting married. She adored Eric and was so pleased to be in this space.

It was as if she said could die happily. Literally.

She took her first and only Uber ride to the wedding.

She had a bagel one morning for breakfast that raved about for days after.

She watched us swim, though that made me sad because she loved the water and didn't go in.

She enjoyed the energy -- the hustle and bustle of it all. Need to go to Target? Sure, Robert will take her!

And, of course, she made sure to take whatever hotel toiletries and anything she could pilfer.

We had to change her dialysis schedule that week to get her to the wedding so that she could enjoy the rehearsal dinner and make the most of the days. I drove her back from Albany and we went straight to Carmel so that she could go in for more dialysis.

I went home to unpack and do laundry before returning to pick her up.

Mission accomplished.

While at Meaghan's wedding, I told the newlyweds what the day -- the trip -- meant to her.

"We have to cherish all of this time," I said.

I repeated the same thing to Katie, Meaghan's older sister, who is marrying Marshall next year.

Yet, I felt I sounded like the creepy, dopey uncle in hindsight. I felt totally guilty. I fretted about it for the rest of the night into the next day, like I was some kind of drunken fool.

"You were absolutely fine," my mother said without prompting, and she would be the first to take note of any hijinks.

She began talking about Katie's wedding and I actually thought she'd make it to next October. But her heart had other plans.

She died less than two weeks after we got home.

What's that saying about making plans and God laughing?

Sometimes, it's just not fair.