I'm here

 

(Google)

It was over.

I told Susan I was done. Tonight was the night.

There would be no post. I wasn't going to make an announcement. I simply wasn't going to write.

I sat where I am right now, stubbornly content with my decision.

After nearly 900 straight days, I was convinced it was time.

I was going to send the lineup card to the plate without my name on it.

The reasons are mostly varied and unimportant. Some of it is personal and nothing I want to get too deep into. Such things are often seen as weakness or a crutch. Given perhaps my audience has expanded, I don't want to go down that road without context.

The weekend was rough. I felt alone. It's hard to explain.

So let's leave it at the blues. Something maybe Miles Davis can help me conquer.

Clearly, the most recent posts didn't exactly excite or inspire and I go through these ruts where I feel like I'm just done. It's hard to feel like writing when the inspiration is lacking.

So tonight I thought it might be time to recharge the battery and hit the reset button.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm here.

I don't often know why I put so much of me on here and yet save quite a bit more than you know.

And, of course, it can manifest itself into a meltdown. That's when I look awful.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I did my fair share of laughing all weekend through today but that was when I was with people or talking to them via some form of technology.

Then it gets quiet. It's hard to describe. I don't mind solitude but...

Like I said, it's nothing I want to get too deep into.

The Gades grind begins anew tomorrow. I'll see Sean.

That will be nice. 

I'd like to lose myself in a broadcast, much as I was able to on Saturday in Milford, PA. I called baseball and while I didn't like having families so close to me at the "booth" (aka, "desk under a tent"), I just tried to block that all out.

That's what I plan to do at Dutchess Stadium. Back to the sanctuary.

Yet I still feel like this post is just another in a long line of uninspired drivel. I also feel I should stress that I'm not trying to diminish or downplay depression, mental illness, or anything else. To be crystal clear, nothing has changed. If you need to talk, please do. I'm here and will listen.

Anyway, I'm babbling. I considered simply posting the words to The Beatles' "The End." I worried that might seem too dark.

Worried. I'm good at that. 

I'm here for tonight.

We'll deal with tomorrow then.