And The Oscar Goes To…

No Oscar for me (Hammerstein? Robertson? Gamble?) Nope. So let’s blog the Oscar show!

OK, the “have the nominees stand up” thing was cute but dumb.

Wait – was that Jack (please don’t ask “Jack Who?”)? Is he BALD? He can’t handle the truth!

Ellen DeGeneres is fine. I’ve come around on her. She’s kind of funny, but white shoes? OK we get it. You’re gay. Cool. God bless. My father wore white shoes. In 1971. I look back and cringe.

Ellen, the jokes are dying, babe. To keep things under four hours, please get to the first award. Please.

Yeah, it is Jack. Man he makes bald cool.

First Peter O’Toole joke of the night about how many times he has lost. I think The Wife is rooting for him, largely because he was very debonair alongside Audrey Hepburn in “How To Steal a Million” in 1966. I’ll go out on a limb. He stands no chance alongside Forrest Whitaker.

First Al Gore reference. Stop, now.

Jesus, God, there’s a choir (nice reference, eh?) singing for the nominees. The show is 12 minutes old and it’s getting painful. You all thought the Uma and Oprah was bad?

Finally – our first award for…Art Direction? Hey, the Bond guy is rather suave (nothing like a plain black tux), but Nicole Kidman looks unhealthy. Could be the Keith Urban effect?

While they talk, let me just say that I watched roughly half of “Gone With the Wind” and all of “Casablanca.” None of the movies nominated tonight will make me forget those.

Something called “Pan’s Labyrinth” won for Art Direction. Stop the presses!

I promise I will not blog every award. I have too much of a life to do that.

What the hell is the thing of people on the screen? It looks like Mummenschantz (for those who remember). Credit The Wife for the reference. Oh I get it. It's Oscar.

Hey, it’s the Geico announcer guy! You know, “in a world where both of our cars are totally underwater.” That’s been the coolest thing yet.

Well, other than Jack.

I love Will Farrell, but this is just…sad. Still, the ghost of Oscar Gamble’s afro lives!

Two Oscar Gamble references – I’m on a roll. Throw in the Mummemschantz line and it's 1975 all over again!

Quite a night when both Kelly Leak from The ORIGINAL Bad News Bears and Marky Mark (without the Fun Bunch) are nominated for Oscars.

OK, I said I would not blog every award, but if I have to watch people wave flags for their awards all night, we will have some serious trouble.

First name check of America’s Actor (Mr. Tom Hanks). Good to hear.

This show is wickedly boring already. I switched over to writing another blog entry (on the Yankees retired numbers).

I’m back, if only to say that this sound effect thing is not QUITE as dumb as the pre-show thing at 8:00. Man, we’re delving into worst broadcast every territory so far.

Steve Carrell, with the best line yet, regarding sound editing and sex. Wait – did Greg Kinnear really just cause a seven second delay problem, or was it planned?

I’ve been watching the Oscars for a long time now, and I don’t think we’ve waited this long for a major award to be given out.

By “major award”, I don’t mean a leg lamp, just in case The Sister-In-Law is reading. Shame on you if you don’t get that reference.

Rachel Wiesz won Best Supporting Actress last year? Wow, who knew?

Alan Arkin wins for Best Supporting Actor. He’s reading his speech, but that’s fine. I like how the director put a shot up of his Oscar, sitting on the floor. A very good actor. Especially funny in a small role in “So I Married An Axe Murderer.” Still, wouldn’t it have been cool if Eddie Murphy won? Or Kelly Leak? Or Marky Mark?

Why is Ellen walking through the crowd? Thankfully she picked a gracious Marky Mark to talk with. The screenplay thing with Scorsese was fairly humorous.

The interpretive dance troop is back. Oy vey.

One hour in, and I’m skeptical that I will make it to the end. So now I’m onto recording it. We haven’t even had our first musical number.

Uh oh. Sound problems with Sweet Baby James Taylor. All seems well now. JT is one of my musical faves, but the better song from “Cars” was Sheryl Crow’s “Real Gone.”

A Jerry Seinfeld sighting. I thought his only thing was trying to save Michael Richards.

Oh God, Mr. Internet Creator and Leo are talking about Green Oscars, or something. Can we stop with the Al Gore lovefest?

Gee, the strike up the band thing during Gore’s “speech” wasn’t too predictable, was it?

I know Saturday is a bad night for TV, but don’t you think that people would have parties and watch the show? They could all stay up late, get drunk, etc. Good times! Sunday is tough.

Best Animated Feature is up now, and I DEMAND A RECOUNT. HOW THE HELL DID “CARS” NOT WIN? Larry The Cable Guy should have won an award alone for being the voice of Mater. The Son will not be happy when I tell him.

Ben Affleck is on stage and my one question is…why? This is how far we have fallen. At one time Yankees fan Billy Crystal hosted awards, and now we’re stuck with Mr. Red Sox.

By the way, I still haven’t forgiven Crystal for the Mets hat in “City Slickers.”

Audrey Hepburn was just on the screen. That would have made The Wife happy, but she’s already in bed. Only two people can truly channel Ms. Hepburn: Natalie Portman and The Wife.

I love old movie montages. I’m hooked, at least for now. Especially when Jack vamps for the camera.

Mr. Hanks is on, with brilliant Ms. Helen Mirren. Just a reminder, only two people have ever won back to back Best Actor awards: Tom Hanks and Spencer Tracy. And America’s Actor should have at least one more, if not two. He should have won for “Saving Private Ryan”, if not for “Cast Away.”

Oh for the love of God, it’s Tom freakin’ Cruise. Damn, he looks almost normal. He’s giving the Hersholt Award away. This also brings our first true standing ovation of the night. It took a while, surprisingly.

Ellen and Clint Eastwood gave us a funny moment. Thank god.

Hey, it’s Apple’s mom, Gwynnie Paltrow. She was part of one of the worst Best Picture farces ever, “Shakespeare in Love.” Nice movie, kind of funny, but a Best Picture? Um…no.

We’re not quite two hours in now, and I’m barely paying attention. The Meryl Steep glare at her two “Devil Wears Prada” co-stars bit was quite humorous.

Again, not quite two hours and we’ve only seen Best Supporting Actor. At least give us songs or something.

Oooh, another movie montage. Oh, it’s foreign films. Never mind.

Ellen’s in white now. Sheesh. Now she’s doing the interpretive dance thing. Somewhere David Letterman is really enjoying this.

OK, I have to ay attention. George Clooney’s on to give the Best Supporting Actress. My guess is the Dreamgirls/American Idol girl. Nothing wrong with Cate Blanchette, though. Jennifer Hudson does indeed win. No shock. Let the tears begin. Beyonce, sans Jigga, looks calm. It’s got to be an act. Now, before the band kicks in, get off the stage. Oooh, too late. Glad she got in the Jennifer Holiday reference. Beyonce looked perturbed.

By the way, who are some of these presenters? Should I know them?

Hey, it’s Seinfeld again. Could he please bring us some yucks? Well he’s trying, but what’s the deal with that? Some producer must have told him that the show is sucking, and needs life, so go so some standup. He’s on a roll. Good stuff, overall. If he just auditioned for the hosting gig next year, he just got it.

This will forever be known as The Al Gore Oscars. “An Inconvenient Truth” wins Documentary Feature. Unreal.

Clint Eastwood is giving a special Oscar to Ennio Morricone and is ad-libbing. Then he says, “I should have worn my glasses.” Who cares? You’re Clint. The end. The theme to “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly”, and the music from “The Untouchables” makes this guy a legend. Not Clint, he’s already a legend. Mr. Morricone.

Wait, what the…couldn’t Mr. Morricone just receive his award? Why is he sitting in the audience in the first place? And why is Celine Dion now singing?

Morricone’s on stage now, and Eastwood needs to translate for him. The pain level increases…

Sorry, it’s been roughly a half hour. I’ve just got nothing to add.

Did I just hear this: “Please welcome a reason for high definition television, Jennifer Lopez?” OK…

I’m back to say Melissa Etheridge is an Oscar winner. I’m also pleased because we had a girl-girl kiss. And while that might make you think I’m having a man moment, it’s more about spicing this freaking show up. Then she thanked her wife, and…wait…Al Gore!

I’ve gotten so bored that I’ve started putting switching channels.

It’s 11:44, and we’re nowhere near done. Ouch. Jodie Foster is on for the ghoul section – the In Memorium. Her best friend recently died. She brings a certain amount of class. So who will get the largest applause?

A second leg lamp reference!

Applause is scattered early on.

Robert Altman wins, barely, if only because the room is so dead that the crowd has their own ghoulish thoughts.

I’m at the point where I’ve actually given thought to going outside to shovel snow. Bear in mind that it’s 11:50 PM.

Finally, Best Actress. Helen Mirren, come on down. Philip Seymour Hoffman hasn’t even said it yet. I’m just trying to move things along.

Yep, it’s Queen Mirren. Kate Winslet is crying. I don’t think that’s because she lost. I think she gets it. Mirren pays tribute to Queen Elizabeth. Nice touch, but this is still a lame night. It has to be when people keep telling you about all of the surprises.

Midnight. Good morning, East Coast.

By the way, I’m a fairly honest sort. This blog has sucked almost as much as the show.

Best Actor time. Again, Forrest Whitaker, come on down! Reese Witherspoon looks over made up. See what a marriage separation can do?

Good for Forest Whitaker. His wife is crying, while he’s reading his speech. For the first time tonight, I’m begging the orchestra to not play. He’s got my attention. This guy is cool. This guy was Robin Williams sidekick in “Good Morning, Vietnam.”

The Three Amigos are up (Coppola, Lucas, and Spielberg). Is it Marty’s turn?

Here we go…tympani please…Scorsese. It’s about friggin’ time. A standing ovation. He should have won a long time ago – for “Raging Bull.” The place is going nuts, but Marty wants to get it over with. Let’s face it –it’s a lifetime achievement award.

Jack and Diane Keaton are on. Warm up my pillow – it’s Best Picture time. Jack just stands there and nods. I have no clue who is going to win.

And the Oscar goes to… “The Departed.” A tame standing ovation, leading to a full standing-O. Diane Keaton screamed when Jack announced it. I really had no idea. Each of the movies is very appealing, but I think “The Departed” and “Little Miss Sunshine” are right up my alley. “The Queen” also looked good.

Ellen keeps it brief and calls it a night. Bedtime for Bonzo.

OK, I’ll say it. These were, I think by far, the worst Oscars I’ve ever watched. Sorry to be a downer, but I think it’s true, and the things I’m reading on the Internet seem to agree.

Nearly four hours, and we’re done.

Good night, everyone!