Why Can't I?

 

I was asked to jump in on a Fairfield University/Manhattan College baseball game today.

I was told to be there about 45 minutes before first pitch.

So, of course, I was there well over an hour before first pitch. There was an Easter egg hunt going on when I arrived. I made my way to the press box and was told to go to the TV booth.

I found a mixer and a couple of headsets inside. 

I got lineups. I asked for a few general directions about the broadcast. It was all basic.

"The stream goes live five minutes before the expected start of the game. Pot up the microphone and start talking.

"From there, call the game."

OK. I can do that.

I called a 5-2 win for Fairfield. I even got to call a home run by Colin Kelly, who I covered at Greenwich High School. There was some drama but, mostly, it was a standard baseball game and a solid win for the Stags.

Besides Kelly, both rosters were dotted with players that I recognized and schools that I know well.

And yet?

I felt...meh...when I left. In fact, if I'm being fair, I was down.

The game ended at Clover Stadium in Pomona, NY. I flew solo and did my thing. Yet, as "the new guy" it took a few innings before I got into the groove. It's sort of hard to explain but there's a learning curve. Still, as a viewer, you have every right to expect more.

Especially from me, given the standards I set for myself.

The game ended. I wrote out my scorecard and shut down my computer. By the time I walked out of the booth, anyone associated with the game was gone. 

A new crew would be coming in (St. Thomas Aquinas and Queens College followed). As always, I made sure to leave the booth as I found it.

The Manhattan College team and families dined on the main concourse as I walked downstairs. I didn't know anyone so, of course, I kept to myself.

I walked the entire stadium to look around.

I got in the car and just...drove.

I meandered home. I was grateful for the gig. I was happy to be the hired gun.

If there were mistakes -- I'm sure there were, especially in the early innings -- why can't I cut myself some slack? I don't know these teams. 

Why can't I walk out feeling good about the broadcast?

I loved it. I'd love to do it again. More, please!?

Now, yes, I often have Brunswick games and other commitments. Yes, I have a mega crazy calendar and I'd like to see that also get under control.

(I had more written. Then I walked away. Then I came back and deleted it.)

But maybe I've answered my own question. Why can't I enjoy it? Why can't I bask in it?

There's more to it but the simple version is quite succinct. 

I'm constantly grinding.

Thus I'm never satisfied.