April 24

 

It still feels like she's here.

I have to bring her to dialysis or to my nephew's house or to meet my sister for dinner or something.

She needs groceries or tech support on her cell phone.

Or she needs to know where the orange juice is that she got after she had a procedure done at the doctor's office.

But, of course, I know better.

Mom is gone and has been gone for over two and a half years.

I mean, yes, she's always here in spirit and I can visit her grave but you know what I mean.

It's not that it doesn't seem real and it's not that I'm in denial. It's just that when you're caring for someone and you are somewhat responsible for them every day it takes a bit of adjusting to when they're not around anymore.

It of course hits a little more when it's her birthday. She would have been 86 -- she didn't hide from her age -- today.

She was full of it when it came to her birthday. I specifically remember her telling me she didn't want anything for her 70th birthday and arguing with family members who insisted on a party. Said party happened and she was, of course, the belle of the ball.

So, yes, that was Mom. A conundrum for sure.

It's funny how I feel the difference when honoring each of my parents.

My dad -- gone at 59 (when I was 20) -- still produces profound sadness and occasionally intense grief.

Mom -- gone at 82 (when I wasn't 20) -- still hurts but I really still haven't grieved. I never truly will. It's a different kind of emotion.

Thus there's still this lingering feeling that she's waiting for me to take the garbage out or pick up her prescription. 

I guess part of it is that we had her for so much longer. I'm sure that's a big part of it.

Both produce a level of sadness.

Both are missed.

But processing all of the emotions with it will just take time I guess.

There was no chance to mourn when she passed. I was too much in shock but also I simply went about life. Straighten up the house, drive to go talk to Sean, go broadcast a baseball game, sleep on my sister's floor. That was all the day/night she passed. Then there was a weekend of papers and going to the funeral home and getting affairs in order and just ... existing. 

Eventually came the funeral and all of the nefarious nonsense that stripped any chance of being able to mourn. My god but if I ever do write a book what a tome it will be.

There was simply never that spot to let it go. I concerned myself with Sean and everything else.

And so, as I sit here pondering all of this on the 86th anniversary of her birth, I just wanted to acknowledge her. Both of my parents are never far from my thoughts.

I shared laughs and had dinner with Sean. She'd like that. I also called softball today. Not sure that would have impacted her.

But she would have loved the number of people who sent regards.

She's no doubt having a laugh and eating some cake tonight.